The Dark Side of the Clams

Reader discretion is advised.

Tony Bartholomew J. Clams XIV, or “The Sun Clams” as he is sometimes referred, is no hero. Despite his role in popular culture of being an enigmatic folk-lore luminary, he should not be extolled. For there is a dark side of the Clams.

In late November of 2014, Jesus Christ of Nazareth returned to Earth in his Second Coming to bring salvation for all people. The Son of God had returned for no more than four and a half minutes, when Tony Clams, driving nearby in his 2008 sky blue Dodge Durango, hit the Messiah at 31 miles per hour. Upon impact, Jesus Christ was injured but not killed.

Although, Clams, worried he may have hit something, threw his car into reverse and proceeded to drive over Christ’s skull. Not wanting to step out of the car for fear his newly stolen Air Jordan knock-offs would get scuffed, Clams rolled down his window and asked Jesus if he was okay. The prophet did not respond since his head was now merely a pile of blood and fluids, but Clams misheard a nearby child’s “airhorn sound effect” app as Jesus telling him he was fine, so Clams drove off.

As Clams rode off, a massive storm front moved in. Six inches of rainfall accumulated within the hour. Jesus’ body was never found in a cruel twist of irony, since his body could not in fact float on water. Instead it was submerged and swept into a sewer grate.